Sometimes I feel like I’m going in circles. Never-ending, unbreakable, static circles. It’s like I’m running forward, but I keep seeing the same scenery. Sometimes, I even feel like maybe I’m a little crazy–because, isn’t the definition of crazy doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?
Sometimes, I feel like everything outside of family and survival is a vain waste of time. It’s a weird numbness that distorts reasoning. I listen to life going on around me at work and think to myself, “What exactly is the point here? Does any of it really matter?” Logically, I know the answers to the questions, but I don’t really feel it. What I feel is tired and this fatigue stalks me every minute, every hour, every day of my life. Physical exhaustion.
Okay, so maybe it’s my fault–I know for a fact that I’m sleep deprived. But aren’t we all? So, if everyone is sleep deprived, why am I failing so spectacularly to cope with it? I feel it in my legs, I feel in my arms, in my chest. I feel it in my mind and soul. I’m so tired. I don’t have the energy to be positive or to take the actions that might make life a little better. Its all I can do to get up and go through the day like some kind of animatron. Rinse and repeat. I’m reminded of that song by Nine Inch Nails, “Every Day Is Exactly the Same.” That’s how I feel and isn’t that just hopeless?
Writing brings color to my life. Its the one thing that I can do that makes me feel better. Some people jog, some people paint, some people build–I write (and read). But even that has become a chore. I open my Word doc and just sit and stare at it feeling numb and overwhelmed. It feels like an insurmountable task…yet, I crave it with my whole being. I don’t understand. How can I crave something so bad and not be able to carry it through? What is the obstacle that is holding me back? Is it because my mind is so dull and numb and foggy? Is it a lack of discipline? I really don’t understand, which only serves to make me feel even more frustrated. If I can’t figure out the cause, how can I ever hope to find the solution?
Frustration seems to be my main mode these days. Frustration with my job, frustration with my writing, frustration with my body, frustration with things I’d like to say to people but can’t (to keep the peace), frustration with things going on in my family that I can’t fix…frustration in all shades and forms bleeding through my being like poison.
Is this normal? I really don’t know. I feel like I’m at the whim of every breeze that blows. Which is also frustrating because I’m the kind of person who likes to be firmly in control…and I haven’t felt like I could control anything in a very, very, very long time.