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Free Writing

I don’t want to work on this chapter. I really, really don’t. I am so tired of reading the same words over and over and straining to improve it. It’s so hard and I’m so tired. I’d really like to just go back to bed. I wish I could just sink into my pillow, cover up to my ears and close my eyes–just sink into sleep like a warm bath. My eyes do not want to stay open and that only makes concentrating and editing that much harder. But, I have to do it. I just have to do it. If I quit, if I lose even more momentum than I already have, I might just stop altogether. And, I don’t want that. I really want to finish what I’ve started.

I really, really hate it when I read a fanfiction and find out it is incomplete and the author has no plans on ever finishing it. That’s so disappointing. It’s like, why did you post it if you were going to just give up on it? I say that, but I know it happens and I know how it happens. Even if I do understand…I don’t want to be that person. So, I have to finish…thus, I must end this and make myself edit.

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Blackout Poetry Take 2

Bitter. A gaping wound started along her lifeless body. Tears silently rain. Who would want a shy and beautiful thing?

Blackout Poetry–Even a Noobie Can Do It.

Recently, I’ve been noticing an increase in popularity of Blackout Poetry–the method of picking out certain word of existing text to form thoughts while blocking out all the unused words. So, this Spring, when the school library began discarding old books, I grabbed some hoping I could try it for myself. My first attempt ended up being harder than I expected. I thought that the words would just pop out at me and when they didn’t, I found myself having to go through the text several times trying to figure out what words seemed form some kind of cohesive thought. Hopefully, I’ll get better at it as I practice–but I really think this is something all people can have a little fun with.  I also figured out I’m going to have to use a non-traditional method for the blacking out part because I just cannot handle the intense Sharpie smell. Below is what I ended up with–short and sweet:

 

“It’s over. Better yourself, son.” The man blinked his green eyes and spat tobacco on the dirt floor.

15 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief

15 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief.

Beautiful article not only for those going through grief, but for anyone struggling with life.

Emotional Free-writing Entry #1

Sometimes I feel like I’m going in circles. Never-ending, unbreakable, static circles. It’s like I’m running forward, but I keep seeing the same scenery. Sometimes, I even feel like maybe I’m a little crazy–because, isn’t the definition of crazy doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

Sometimes, I feel like everything outside of family and survival is a vain waste of time. It’s a weird numbness that distorts reasoning. I listen to life going on around me at work and think to myself, “What exactly is the point here? Does any of it really matter?” Logically, I know the answers to the questions, but I don’t really feel it. What I feel is tired and this fatigue stalks me every minute, every hour, every day of my life. Physical exhaustion.

Okay, so maybe it’s my fault–I know for a fact that I’m sleep deprived. But aren’t we all? So, if everyone is sleep deprived, why am I failing so spectacularly to cope with it? I feel it in my legs, I feel in my arms, in my chest. I feel it in my mind and soul. I’m so tired. I don’t have the energy to be positive or to take the actions that might make life a little better. Its all I can do to get up and go through the day like some kind of animatron. Rinse and repeat. I’m reminded of that song by Nine Inch Nails, “Every Day Is Exactly the Same.” That’s how I feel and isn’t that just hopeless?

Writing brings color to my life. Its the one thing that I can do that makes me feel better. Some people jog, some people paint, some people build–I write (and read). But even that has become a chore. I open my Word doc and just sit and stare at it feeling numb and overwhelmed. It feels like an insurmountable task…yet, I crave it with my whole being. I don’t understand. How can I crave something so bad and not be able to carry it through? What is the obstacle that is holding me back? Is it because my mind is so dull and numb and foggy? Is it a lack of discipline? I really don’t understand, which only serves to make me feel even more frustrated. If I can’t figure out the cause, how can I ever hope to find the solution?

Frustration seems to be my main mode these days. Frustration with my job, frustration with my writing, frustration with my body, frustration with things I’d like to say to people but can’t (to keep the peace), frustration with things going on in my family that I can’t fix…frustration in all shades and forms bleeding through my being like poison.

Is this normal? I really don’t know. I feel like I’m at the whim of every breeze that blows. Which is also frustrating because I’m the kind of person who likes to be firmly in control…and I haven’t felt like I could control anything in a very, very, very long time.

Blown Away by Framed By Nature

Blown Away by Framed By Nature

Absolutely gorgeous. I very much enjoy good photography and interesting pictures. I love it when I stumble across something that makes me pause and sigh in awe. It feeds my innermost self and I appreciate the people who provide these images.